Agency: Reconnecting with Your Personal Power
What is Agency?
Agency is the ability to make choices that reflect your values, needs, and desires. It’s the sense that you are an active participant in your own life rather than a passive observer. For many of us, life circumstances—whether trauma, societal pressures, or chronic stress—can erode this sense of agency. Over time, we may find ourselves tolerating situations that don’t align with who we truly are.
Reclaiming Agency
In life, there are times when we feel stuck—like passengers on a journey we didn’t choose, enduring what comes our way without feeling we can shape our path. This sense of powerlessness can be overwhelming, especially if it echoes earlier experiences of trauma or adversity. Yet, the journey toward reclaiming your agency—your ability to act in alignment with your authentic self—is not only possible but deeply healing. Because trauma is considered a disconnection from self, connection to ourselves (and others) is how we begin to heal.
Why Do We Lose Our Agency?
For many, the loss of agency begins in childhood, where expressing needs or boundaries may not have felt safe. Perhaps you learned to silence yourself to keep the peace or to earn love and approval. These patterns often follow us into adulthood, leading to lives shaped by endurance rather than authentic action.
Chronic stress or trauma can deepen this loss of agency. When we’re stuck in a survival mode—fight, flight, or freeze—our nervous systems prioritize immediate safety over long-term fulfillment. This can make us feel trapped, unable to act in ways that align with our deeper desires or values. This robs us of our agency.
Gaining Agency: Steps Toward Reconnection
Reclaiming your agency is a process of coming back to yourself. It’s not about controlling everything in your life but learning to influence your path with intention and authenticity. Below are some ways to begin.
Listen to Your Body
Trauma and stress often disconnect us from our bodies, making it hard to notice when something feels “off.” Our physical sensations and emotions are signals, not adversaries. If you feel tension or discomfort when faced with a decision, pause. What might your body be trying to tell you? Below is a body-scanning exercise to get you started:
Body Scanning:
Find a quiet place where you can sit or lie comfortably.
Close your eyes and take three slow, deep breaths. Let your body relax.
Gently scan your body from head to toe. Notice any areas of tension, heaviness, or lightness without judgment.
Pause when you notice something. Ask yourself:
What might this sensation be telling me?
What does this part of my body need right now? (Rest, movement, water, acknowledgment?)
If a particular sensation feels overwhelming, place your hand on your heart or belly, and focus on slow, steady breaths to anchor yourself.
Body scanning can be hard for some— you might do this exercise for 10 seconds. Always start with what is comfortable for you. If you feel disconnected from your body and aren’t able to do the body scan, that’s okay too! There are other options below.
Identify What You’re Tolerating
Acceptance involves naming realities (e.g., “I am angry about this dynamic”) and then acting in alignment with what feels true. Tolerating something means putting up with it, sometimes sacrificing your needs or pushing down emotions. Sometimes we don’t realize we are tolerating things! Journaling can help you reflect on where you feel stuck and brainstorm ways to move toward acceptance.
Journal Exercise:
What is something in my life that I am tolerating right now?
How does tolerating this situation affect my energy, emotions, or physical health?
What would it look like to accept this situation instead of merely tolerating it?
What small action could I take today to align with this acceptance?
Example:
Toleration: Constantly saying “yes” to last-minute work requests.
Impact: Feeling drained, resentful, and unable to rest after work.
Acceptance: I acknowledge that I don’t have to be available 24/7 to be a good employee.
This leads to boundaries: I will not say “yes” to the work request.
Practice Saying ‘No’ and ‘Yes’ Authentically
Boundary-setting is an act of agency. Learning to say “no” to what drains you makes space for a heartfelt “yes” to what nurtures you. Start small—declining an invitation or speaking up about a preference. This can be hard for people-pleasers but it’s a great practice to help you live more aligned with your values and desires.
Boundary setting exercise:
Think of a recent situation where you wanted to say “no” but didn’t.
Write down how you felt afterward and why you hesitated.
Craft a response you could use next time. Use a formula like:
Acknowledge the request: “Thank you for thinking of me.”
State your boundary: “I can’t commit to this right now.”
Offer an alternative (if you feel comfortable): “Maybe we can revisit this in the future.”
Practice saying this response out loud in front of a mirror or with someone you trust.
Shift from Control to Influence
Agency doesn’t mean controlling every outcome—it’s about making choices within the scope of what you can influence. When we fixate on control, we can become stuck in frustration, anxiety, or self-blame when things don’t go as planned. But shifting toward agency allows us to focus on what’s possible rather than what’s impossible.
For example, if you’re managing a chronic condition, you may not be able to dictate how your body responds on any given day, but you can choose how you care for yourself. You can explore treatments, set boundaries to conserve energy and advocate for your needs with medical providers and loved ones. Similarly, in relationships, you can’t control how others respond to you, but you can express yourself clearly, honor your values, and decide where to invest your energy.
By embracing influence over control, we move from a place of powerlessness to one of agency. Instead of feeling trapped by circumstances, we recognize the choices we do have—and that’s where empowerment begins.
Get Support From Others
Reclaiming agency doesn’t mean doing it alone. A compassionate therapist or a supportive loved one can help you reconnect with your inner voice. Healing often happens in the presence of safe, affirming relationships where you can explore your truth without fear of judgment. Humans are wired for connection, and true healing happens in connection.
“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”
The Freedom of Living Authentically
Reclaiming agency is a process—a series of small, courageous steps toward living in alignment with who you are. As you practice listening to your body, saying “no” to toleration, and embracing acceptance, you’ll notice a shift. The choices you make, no matter how small, begin to feel like they truly belong to you. In this process, you also begin to build trust in yourself. Each time you make a choice that aligns with your authentic self, you reaffirm your ability to guide your own life. Self-trust grows from the certainty that your choices matter—that your voice, your boundaries, and your desires are worthy of being heard. This trust can help you take up space, reclaim your worth, and live the fuller life you deserve.
